It has taken me almost nine months to be able to begin to think about adding something to this memorial website. I’m not exactly sure why, and I’ve tried several other times to begin, however have just not been able to. I’ve written and re-written words to describe something, but continuously come up with an empty page. For some reason, now seems to be the time, and all I know is that I can only write from my heart.

I can write about how special Tom is- but you know that already. I can write about how caring and giving he was, but you all know that as well. His love for everything and everyone around him, his love for nature and animals. His gentle, kind spirit has touched everyone that he encountered. He felt the world with a sensitivity that both brightened and saddened him greatly.

That sadness was a place that most people did not know of. But I do not speak of it with a pity or any adversity. That was where he grew- where he could feel difficulty as deep as he could love, and where any pain always turned into beauty. I believe we all know aspects of that place, and where we can all grow, nurture, and learn. It was where he continuously decided to live better, do better, and to always e the best he could.

Of course being in a deep and loving relationship with Tom allowed me to see every side of him. Our differences were bright and clear and yet that was what helped to continue to draw us closer and closer together. Our partnership was unique and loving and special- deeper and truer and lovelier than words can ever describe. And although some people did not know how to describe or define our relationship, we both believed that it did not, and does not, matter what others think or believe or judge. However, I have to admit, it was always beautiful when our friends and community did not need to label or define, but just knew that our love and connection was always there, and that definitions and labels did not really matter.

As in any other relationship, we did have our fair share of difficult moments. I have been, (and continue to do so), working through and letting go of any guilt, or regrets or wishes left undone. And as I continue on this journey of healing, I realize that every couple, every relationship, every friendship has difficulties. That was one thing not unique to Tom and I.

I remember first meeting Tom and learning how to understand his quietness as he tried to understand my more energetic moments. We learned to sit in the middle, sometimes more quiet, sometimes a livelier space- always honest, always together. Our bond was unique. We hiked, backpacked, played music. We were best friends, lovers, music partners, outdoors partners. We ate together, had tea time, watched movies. We pretty much did everything together. He even participated in girls night sometimes! I continue to share that with him, in a different way now. I am grateful for all of these moments that always brought us closer to spirit together.

I have been spending a lot of time going through his things, which started right away when I arrived home from Africa. I began to look through stuff for the memorial website, for the memorial, separating things for friends and family. The garage sale came next, which I continue to be ever grateful to all of the help that myself and his family received. It would not have been possible with out good friends and a supportive community. I went on to visit Hawaii and the memorial site, which was both unbelievably healing and torturous. But overall, I am glad that I was able to do that and have some kind of understanding. Tom did not have any secrets, but I am learning more about him as I continue to look through his things. His childhood, his past friendships, his work. Things that he always spoke of with a sort of distance, and now I am learning how to grasp it.

All of this continues to be held deep in my heart and soul. As I continue to read grief books, receive support from friends and family, go to therapy, and seek advice and solace from others who have experienced loss of a partner, I know that I am on the path of healing. I read somewhere once that it is like going up a spiral staircase. Sometimes it feels like you’re going up and sometimes the pain feels like it can bring me back to the bottom. I know that I will continue to heal for a long time- probably always in some way. But I believe that in every moment of darkness and loneliness and emptiness that I will come around again and see and feel the light, the breath of my life.

I am certain that mine and Tom’s relationship continues- of course on a different level, and in a different way, yet just as strong; in my every day awakening and in my dreams and sleep. The connection between soul mates is an ongoing one, it just changes forms. The hard part is how to accept it, nurture it, and honor it. I know he would want nothing less.

Tom once said to me a couple of years ago that he would be with me or wait for me until the end of time. It’s funny how things can end up turning out.